Rambling Reflections

A few weeks ago I had a big break through when I was able to tell my cancer story to a lady who was worried about her son being diagnosed with Hodgin's disease. I'm very happy to report that he did not have any time of cancer, and that what he did have can be treated easily. I'm very relieved for her, and I'm still proud of myself for speaking up. I know it helped ease her mind as she awaited his diagnosis.

I've spoken at several Relay for Life events about my experience with cancer. I think I've said before that I was very guarded about what I said and that I didn't want to talk to anyone about it afterwards. I also hate walking in the cancer survivors lap. Declaring my survivorship is not something I'm good at. However, I believe there has to be something that I'm suppose to do with this.

I distinctly remember riding in the car with my parents after my diagnosis. We were driving on Fort Morgan Road, and we had been debating about whether I should stay out of school for a year to do treatment and finish a year later. I really couldn't even consider that option. I told my mom and dad that I was going to be an example. I was going to go to school and be drum major. People were going to look at me and know that cancer wasn't an end. I considered myself very strong back then. There wasn't anything I couldn't do.

To look back on that person who was so confident is scary. Somewhere along the way I lost that, and I miss that person. I still have faith in my abilities, but I don't have the faith that someone will notice them. I'm at a crossroads. I feel so strongly that having cancer meant something. I have to believe that it was a preparation for even greater things, but I'm not hearing the message of what those things are. Once upon a time I thought I could make a difference by working for the American Cancer Society. Although it was a fantastic experience, it wasn't the right fit. Even volunteering for the American Cancer Society didn't feel right. I just don't know. It is so hard to want to make a difference but feeling blinded about how. Any ideas???