I have held on to my cancer diagnosis like Scrooge held onto his money. It was mine. All mine. Or at least that is a big idea that I have created. I have to realize even all these years later how it affected those around me.
I was probably most horrible to my mother. She was the one who continued to make me go to the doctors and have all the tests until I finally had cancer. The one thing to remember is I never felt bad. I considered myself perfectly healthy right until the moment the doctor told me I had cancer. My mom was the one who pushed the issue, and in some perverse way, I blamed her for making me sick. After all the diagnosis and all the test to stage the cancer, I didn't allow my mother to accompany me to my doctor's appointments. Looking back on it, that was cruel. She was so concerned and wanted or needed as much information as she could get, but I would not let her have it. She was only allowed to have what I filtered back to her. I had a car so I was able to check myself out of school for my monthly exams where my oncologist would review my blood tests and x-rays. My mom's first cousin-in-law was the receptionist for the doctor. My mom would generally call sometime during the day to check on if I had seen the doctor and to get a report. Because I was 17 and later 18 years old, our cousin wasn't able to give her any information without my permission. I always felt a little smug when Laura would tell me that my mom called and couldn't get any information. I wanted her to know what I wanted her to know. As far as I was concerned, it was mine and she couldn't have it.
As an adult, I feel my mom should have slapped the crap out of me and marched both of us into the exam room every month for my check-ups. I am very blessed that she had the patience and courage to let me be.
I didn't totally exclude her. She was allowed to sit with me during my chemo treatments. Those were long and boring, and I needed someone to keep me company. She was also allowed in the few times I got really sick. Not wanting to alarm anyone and not wanting to miss my chance to direct the half-time show for the Mighty Band from Lion Land, I went to school feeling sick with fever. I was totally incapable of participating in class. I was too weak, feverish, and exhausted. I spent the day on a cot in the office. I finally went home at the end of the day and crawled in bed until it was time to go to the stadium. I made it to through the half-time show before I admitted I was sick. My parents took me to the hospital in the middle of the night. My mom came with me to the exam room. Things were so bad I was sent to Baptist hospital in Pensacola where I stayed until the following Monday. My immune system was so weakened that I wasn't allowed any visitors. Only my parents, my doctors, and my nurses were allowed in my room. And strangely enough, I couldn't have any fruit or vegetables because they might carry some time of bacteria or germ that would make me sicker. During that hospital stay, I let my mom stay with me the first night. However, she had to get up so much to go to the bathroom that I sent her home the next night. This was probably another time she should have slapped me. I honestly don't know how she stood it. I know how much she loves me, and I am thankful she chose this time to let me be me.
I never really considered how having cancer affected my friends. Thinking back now, I'm sure it was hard to deal with the fact that their friend was sick and wouldn't talk about it. I didn't even tell many of them. They had to hear it from the grapevine. I remember an eighth grade "band-aid" telling me she heard I had breast cancer and was going to die. There was real worry on her face and in her voice. I snapped at her that it wasn't true. I had Hodgkin's disease and I would be fine. That was all she got because I didn't want to talk about it and no one made me. A teachable moment was lost during that exchange. A more mature person would have explained the diagnosis and prognosis and been more reassuring. I, however, was a brat.
I wanted to spend as little time at home as possible so my friends and their parents welcomed me into their homes excessively. I was as much at home at my friend Misti's house as I was my own. I can still vividly recall the bright turquoise wall paint and her really cool bedspread while I don't even remember anything about my own room's decor. I was the luckiest girl in the entire world to have some really amazing friends. Shannon, Shelby, and Misti were my sisters during this time, and they never made me feel like the sick kid. As drum major, I generally wore my hair in a French braid for performances. Every week, one of my very best friends would take on the challenge of braiding my hair. For normal teenage girls that would not be an issue, but as a chemo patient, my hair would come out in small handfuls anytime a brush touched it. Those girls endured each week so that I never had to feel like a sick kid.
One of the more frightening events occurred during Halloween. I don't remember the details very well. I had chemo either the day before or earlier that day. Because I was unable to ever admit when I was sick or weak, I agreed to go to the haunted forest at the Elberta museum with my friends. I remember that Misti and Shelby were there. In fact, I drove Shelby and me. We had to wait in line awhile. I don't remember much about that because I was either falling asleep or passing out. I don't remember much about the haunted forest except some flashing lights because I was either asleep or passed out. I will never really be sure if I was simply sleeping. However, my friends carried me through the forest. No sick kid syndrome for me. On the way home, I distinctly remember snapping awake as I was driving through Foley. I don't remember falling asleep, but I remember my head jerking up as Shelby and I passed the shopping center that was once Greer's. I could have killed us both. I hope Shelby didn't realized that. Unfortunately, I doubt I was more careful after that event. However, since I usually had chemo on Saturday or Sunday morning, depending on the football schedule and band competition, I usually had time to recover and avoided these types of situations.
I feel in my heart that my sickness has nothing to do with the fact that I'm just a mere acquaintance to these girls now. None of us went to the same college after high school so it is only natural that our friendships would fade. I do know for a fact that I was not the kind of confidant that my friends needed. I know they didn't want to worry me. I probably caused them agony because I wouldn't talk about being sick very often. I can't say enough how blessed I was by all my friends and classmates during that year. But in particular, these three girls were my greatest lifeline, and I am so happy they were apart of my life.
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