Last year at my school there was an incident where one student told another he had drugs to share with him. A third student overheard the conversation and told his teacher. The two students who were in on the drugs were sent to the office, counseled, and punished. The student who told on the classmates told me later that he told the teacher immediately. Then the boy asked me if I was proud of him. I looked at his face that was so desperately seeking my approval. I told him I was very proud of him, and I meant it. By all means, he did the right thing by speaking up. Although the "drugs" were some type of spice like oregano, this child was very brave to notify his teacher of a potentially dangerous situation.
For years I have not had the bravery of this young boy. I have kept the fact that I had cancer a secret to as many people as possible. In some situations it made no difference. There is no need for my name to become Margaret Jayne I Had Cancer Bemis. However, there are many other situations where it is more than appropriate to speak up.
Two years after I graduated from college, I landed a job as a Special Events Manager for the American Cancer Society. My job would entail managing four fundraising events where the money would go for research, education, advocacy, and services in the fight against cancer. In this job cancer survivors were revered. I, along with my co-workers, worked very hard to incorporate cancer survivors as volunteers. They were the best ambassadors in our fight. However, in the year I worked for ACS, I only told three of my co-workers that I had cancer, and I asked them not to mention it to anyone else. I told one because when I was hired I had to fill out a form that listed any possible medical issues, and she had to send the form to the division headquarters. The other two learned I had cancer at a division training. I don't remember the circumstances, but I remember the horrible feeling of having more people find out.
While not telling my co-workers that I was a cancer survivor doesn't bother me much, I am bothered by the fact that I never shared this with my volunteers. Many of them, especially those who were also survivors, deserved to know. Those who were battling cancer when while volunteering with me could have been strengthened by knowing that I had won the same battle. I had a volunteer who was fighting breast cancer. She was a young woman, probably in her 30s. She was so discouraged by losing her hair and having her skin break out. I had faced those same things and had come out better. I could have shared my story with her. By holding my secret so tightly, I stole from her piece of mind that things could get better. I should have done things better. I should have accepted this part of me and used it to benefit others.
I can't change that now. I can't even say the times I've spoken about my cancer experience when I was a volunteer made up for not being truthful with people. Even when I've spoke, I've very carefully chosen what I would say. I've never shared the feelings of fear or shame. I've flat out lied about having hope and courage. I believe surviving cancer can bring out the best and the worst of people. While fighting cancer brought out the best in me, surviving cancer has been a battle against the worst parts of my character. So I had cancer, and I survived it more or less intact. It is my sincere hope that most cancer survivors deal better with the aftermath than I have. Everyday I struggle not to be ashamed that my body failed itself, but I am working on overcoming that each day I write in the blog. Thank you for humoring me.
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